a revised excerpt of a college essay the author submitted

Once upon a time, there was a little lad named jimmy. He was known through his town as little jimmy. Little Jimmy loved to fish. One problem, Little jimmy was quite frail and got bulled in school because his name was actually Jimothy. Little Jimmy needed to get BIG. Like, really big. One day, little Jimmy was going to be bigger than his late father, Big Jimothy Sr, the biggest man in town. Before Big Jim senior drowned in a boating accident on the james river, he told little jimmy: “son, the world is cruel and harsh. But always remember this: Women fear me, Fish fear me, men turn their eyes away from me, as I walk no beast dares make a sound in my presence, I am alone on this barren earth, and yet I fish. Eat your fish and you will be big and strong like me.” Big Jim patted Little Jimmy’s head, and got onto his rowboat with a shotgun, where it promptly sank after he got in a shootout with the local police. Little Jimmy took his late father’s fishing gear, and began to fish. On his first cast, He caught a 12 pound bass and ate it raw. little jimmy started getting big by fighting fish, pulling boat trailers and pumping iron, which meant stuffing the corpses of large walleye with iron weights to win fishing tournaments, and lifting the fish like weights. he'd play tug-o-war with massive catfish in the lake, and could bench press a crate of 200 sunfish (all 2 pouunders) so by the time Little Jimmy entered high school, he was 6’5” had the widest lat spread in america. his back looked like a dorito. Little Jimmy was now Big Jim. Big Jim traveled 'cross dixie and won many fishing competitions. big jim was now a bass pro, by the blessing of fish providence, he'd start a family of super fish-children by spawning into catfish holes. big jim was so virile, he had hundreds of fish-children, (he had forsaken w*men, sigma male grindset). big jim decided to catch the biggest fish of them all, a white whale called moby yuge, the descendant of that white wale that clapped some 19th century whaling boat. By this time the world had been destroyed by unchecked climate change, so alone he sailded on the boiling seas to fight the fattest whale with his FISTS. after a protracted fistfight, he clapped the whale so hard it keeled over and fukin died lmao. unfortunately, big jim was mortally wounded and would later die, surrounded by millions of his progeny, saying his last words. "women fear me, fish love me. eat your fish and you'll get big and strong like me" then big jim's heart stopped beating, and he died. rip big jim.

author's note: this is a revised and enhanced version of the original "BIG JIM EAT 3 FISH" since the author went fishing and realized some of the details of Big Jim's conquest were not impressive in the slightest. a 12 inch bass? really? 12" is a fuckin dink lmao, not a fish worth fishing. this essay was submitted as a college essay to Princeton university, cause fuck em lol, (author was forced to apply by parents) and this was the crowning jewel.